I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
