Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
