I smell stomach acid.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
