oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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