I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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