All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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