U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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