I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
