I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And then my night got REAL pukey
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
