Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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