Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
