I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
