You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
