I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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