gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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