I wanna passion pit in your ass
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
