She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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