Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
