You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
