It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
