you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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