Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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