hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
