I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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