theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
