So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
