dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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