I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
