That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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