dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
