Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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