fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
