I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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