pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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