Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
