I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
