420 ftw
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
