i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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