No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
