god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
