That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
