Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
