: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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