It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
