my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
