im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
