dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
