Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
