No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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