if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
