Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize