I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
