You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
