I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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