I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
