I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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